Journal Entry 018-08-2015

18-08-15

My momma told me something amazing today!

“ Do research on your idea, but keep looking (observing) for more ideas “

One shouldn’t restrict oneself to one idea. If you are getting restless because your idea is just not working out, or you’re anxious why is it not gaining any clarity, you’re going the wrong way. It’s not good for your emotional self.

One can observe a very profound experience within oneself if one takes a very relaxed break, completely unattached to any thoughts.  Such an experience for me was Yoga that I did today. I made my body and breath slower, which shifted my awareness from the world of thoughts to the present moments. And that was exactly what I needed.

All the things that stop you from sleeping…

It’s been going on for a week now. Every single night, it dawns on me, pulling me astray from sleep, a must-needed state of restfulness which comes naturally for humans, well not for all. I feel like I’ve been denied a fundamental right, and justice must be done.

To start from the beginning, I have been studying pretty good these days. And by good, I mean, my focus is better and my determination much stronger. I think it’s because my reason for studying is much clear and singular now. I’ve gotta do it. Irrespective of how it turns out, I have to believe that even the worst thing will happen for my own good. Isn’t that kinda true.? Like when you’re so afraid of facing someone you suspect will be angry with you, but still you show up to him/her, only to realize in the end, that showing up was anyhow better than procrastinating in a vacuum.  Anyhow, so I’m studying with this reason these days. And I’m also liking the art of self-teaching. It’s very powerful. I teach myself through a book first, becaue it allows me to understand important stuff in a self-paced manner, in a very coherent way. I mean, it doesn’t feel like jumping things, as like those video lectures. After building up the basics through a pdf, I move on to examples, as many as I can attempt. Then, the third phase comprises of tweaking with those examples. In the meanwhile, I also check out various video lectures at MOOCs, to strengthen the basics. That’s how devotional it gets. It’s wonderful. You actually feel that you’ve invested your energies, because you feel more up after understanding something which was impossible at first.

Now to the second part of the story, which is darker. The romance ends here. As the sun sets down, my immortality and the feeling of the dying day grows heavier. I get aware of the regret for not choosing to spend time with my loved ones. For instance, my Dadaji. And 80 year old widow man, whose best mate is busy chasing the enigma of success, must have felt alone. He must have accepted again, for the umpteenth time, that he’s growing alone day by day. He must have felt the need to share his life and anecdotes with someone, but stopped thinking that I’m busy fiddling with some pointers and lists. This regret, grows with the moon, and when I lay on my bed, trying to sleep, so that I can wake up early tomorrow, to have an amazing workout in the sun and a phenomenal day, the regrets come dearer.
I’ve often observed that since I want to utilize my time to the fullest, I tend to abuse my sleeping patterns. Because I want to do more and more. Learn and read from the experts. And I only and only stop when my brain shuts down. I know then, there’s no use feeding more stuff to the brain. Normally, this is how I decide on taking breaks, and if it’s night, a nap. But the nap turns into anxiety, and I find myself changing bed and positions, until I get frustrated and sleep. Now this is something I’m sure the experts will judge as not a possible case of a ‘Good Night’s Sleep’.
Will you hear me out? Would you want to know how terrible it gets?
As I described earlier, the first entrant is the regret. The regret of not spending time on any relationship(s), and being devoid and drained of emotions. (Patriarchy also has a successful role in suppressing my emotions). What’s a day spent without any emotions? Absolutely Banal. Then comes the past, or perhaps the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’m flooded with old memories, both gay and sad, exclaiming my inability to relive them. They say, “Dude, we memories, won’t come ever again to you. Parents, their tasty homemade vegetables and paranthas, their struggles, their hopes… all of them. The careless time spent with the friends is also a memory now. It’s like an extension of Murphy’s Law: What’s gone, will be gone.”
And accepting or not accepting this is painful. If even your good memories remind you of your terrible helplessness at living those moments of childhood innocence again, what would you do.? And if we’re so damn helpless, what’s the purpose of life anyway.? We are just so tiny. Just a millionth smallest part of a galaxy comprising of gazillions and gazillions of years. Where do we fit in? If everything happens for a reason, then why did we humans happen to live in the first place.? And if there’s no purpose, as in if we’re all doomed to die anyway, then how’s life to be lived? Should I pretend to have a worthy purpose when honestly, I know there’ll be a point when even computers will be forgotten. Somebody please tell me how to live my life, or atleast where to learn it from?
Be a little fast, because I’m going to sleep and you know, memories…

My experiences with rhetoric, ignorance

Ok. I eat my words. Because this world of rhetoric doesn’t convince me much about the words they say. But then they say, atleast we say. Isn’t it better to voice whatever shit advice you have, because it really is what you feel anyway.

But this rhetoric repels me. Or rather I should say it kills me. Because as much as I’ve faced this disease, people don’t ask you the fundamental questions. They don’t waste time in observing you. They don’t bother to give you the space and love you require. But, they do have an advice, or else, they’d try to help you out by their own belief, which is good, but hollow, because it lacks all the proper context, after all, they didn’t observe you. They observed a problem, thought of talking it out with you, but you don’t seem to talk. Because you just don’t feel the appropriateness of the advice, so much that it feels like some rhetoric, which shall just pass. And then, you, you innocent-little soul, feels incompleteness. Ultimate incompleteness. You feel like you’ve given up, and the worst part is since you don’t ‘speak up’, you accept that you actually have given up. You feel the world moving on tossing you like a used toffee wrapper just because you eat your words. How does one show these people that you also have a voice, but no one’s been sincere and patient enough to hear that voice. Fuck, do you patiently hear a friend with his/her heart out.

They say that no one really cares what you’re facing. You have to make yourself heard. But wouldn’t  this world then, resemble Facebook and Twitter, where everyone seems to shout their versions of truth, without anybody caring for understanding the parts of the story leading to that truth.

That’s actually what it has become now…

Isn’t there a possibility that this world cares for you. It cares for your nurturement, your existence and above all, your voice. It asks those open questions, which only your true self can answer. It embeds within itself, it’s books, it’s people, stories of hope. And not rhetorical stories, but stories of awe. Not stories describing how this world doesn’t give a fuck, but stories of how blessed we are to have this life. Life, which is so fragile. I mean, I can’t even properly comprehend the fact that me and you are bundles  of energy, with just the right proportion of elements so that our systems work. And these bundles can stop to cooperate at any time. And it’s awefully wonderful how these bundles cooperate amongst themselves, and create a balance which makes us humans, a species offered a chance to stay. And we created big managements, organised all of our species. Politics, economics, sociologies, psychologies, theories, maxims have been formulated to understand our thinking processes and the way we’ve been living for generations. Money has been created so that anyone can avail facilities with it. Science has been developed to better understand the world around us, through reasoning.

So, the most basic thing  is that we have a damn short and sweet stay dude. We have to respect and care for nature, and all the natural systems cooperating with us, in the first place. We have to respect ourselves, for we had won that epic race amongst 300,000 sperm cells, to get born. We have to nurture a soft relationship with nature. We have to learn from the nature. The joy of giving, and dedication to purpose are two qualities that pop instantly into my head.

It’s between us siblings

Okay. Now that I’ve set the motivation in the previous post, I must write now.

Note: As I was writing the post below, I discovered that the same advice applies to me as my sister. After all, we share the same blood.😉

Today I want to write about my sister. I admit I’ve been highly skeptic about writing this first, but when the feeling of helplessness grows, I feel disharmonious and the need to vent out.
She has an amazing concentration span, perhaps the result of doing only what that she feels like, as she says, with the intensity of a genius. She likes to call herself a perfectionist. And true to her word she is. And this trait reflects in her being. (I know she’ll even point out grammatical errors in this article) All her canvases, poems and writings are enriched with intense emotions, which can only be delivered through an undivided focus. I envy her concentration skills. She makes me wonder why can’t I do the same. But I want to say to her, “Hey! Be assured, this is a fine quality you have”. She can achieve success in whichever field it be, if she keeps on with the same attitude.

“I reckon you telling me once that this perfectionist attitude does take a toll on you. (Man! I envy your ability to share your mind as well!). It doesn’t let you relax. You aren’t satisfied ever, for there is always something more to be done, mightier than before. You worry if you’ll ever be content with what you have…

Now to the purpose of writing this post.
“I’ve got a very noble and practical suggestion for you. Something which even you surely would have acknowledged a lot of times. It’s called ‘Appreciation‘. And out of all the people who can possibly advise you this, I’m the last one learned enough to vouch for it’s validity. For I definitely seem to lack it, or perhaps, forget it too often that it even exists.” (Just like memory, it can also be skillfully learnt and practiced). But when I realize the frailness of life, it silently dawns on me.

“But why will you benefit from Appreciation? What can it do?
Firstly, let’s go through some your achievements. Daman! You’ve got some stuff done. Pretty impressive stuff which has been created with blend of a perfectionist attitude, unconditional love and care to the utmost detail. Stuff which was once only in the mind but now has been materialized. Hmm… I’m referring to the numerous small creative pieces you made and now possess. From the rainy poems to the one with the gummy treats, from the canvases describing the saga of confusing pipes to the alluring Buddha face, from a Joe Hardy fanfiction to the ones giving a detailed account of Jansen Ackles’ facial features, from early childhood oil-pastel paintings rich with colors to those intricate mehandi patterns at mom’s hands during Karwachauth, those vibrant rangoli patterns and footsteps of Goddess Lakshmi at our front door during Diwali, and not to forget, those priceless books whose lives you’ve had lived. I’ve seen you laugh and cry with them. No doubt, they have mysteriously shaped your personality, something beyond my know-how. I cannot know of those worlds. All these must tell wonderful stories. I’m proud. I’ll read these too.
Apart from these achievements, there are relationships we can appreciate and which can show us the way. We’ve been blessed to born to a very cute pair of parents. So cute that they devote all of ‘their’ time to us. So demanding have been their jobs but still we’ve been raised (and still being raised) with selfless, unconditional love, with our wishes being fulfilled at their first utterance from our mouths. Be it anything, at stroke of any hour, our Bajaj Chetak’s engine would roar with no delay. We’d many times had to wait in our neighbors’ homes after school, as our parents had to work. But still, we never ever felt their absence. It’s like they are always around us. Monitoring us, blessing us. We’ve been so blessed with a mother who sometimes had to face domestic violence in earlier years of her marriage, but she never let it show to us. She’s so inspiring, every single time. So blessed are we to have a grandmother who was paralyzed for more than twenty years of her married life. And we’ve have a grandfather who is so adjusting, that one may wonder if he has any wish of his own. To add, we have a lovely support system in form of our extended family. We’ve been provided with so many free ‘jeans’ which I can hardly count now as I look back. And not to forget those paranthas made with pure love and desi ghee at our Naani’s house.
You see, these people make our lives so special. It’s like we’ve been raised like stars.

“Okay. Sorry that I got carried away. Back to Appreciation. Hitting the head of the nail, if you learn to appreciate these pieces of art which you’ve created, books you love and the relationships you’re fortunate to have, you’ll be reminded of your bliss. All of these might sound unprofessional but they’re important reminders. They can remind you of the amazing skills you possessed when you created them. They might not be career-oriented, but they know the way to your home, to what you like to do, and what you like to be. You see, all of these things have an apparently hidden mission: they shall always remind of your spirit, your unique flavor.

“I know it’s time to focus making a good living and making a career out of it. Priorities have to be changed accordingly. You’ll probably make friends who help you in your process of self-realization. You may find that special someone, whom you’d never want to be hurt. You may be a gorgeous mother and get to experience what it’s like to see a small living body, just like you, born out of you. I hope it’ll be an amazing feeling. All in all, there’ll be ups and downs. And I also realize that we may have to leave each other some day.
But isn’t it what each one of us humans has gone through for the past billion years and still HAS to go through!

I hope you be just as you are, doing what you feel like, with that same unparalleled devotion, because it’s what you do best, and I’d never have it any other way. I don’t want you to change. Ya! Keep pestering me. It’s the juice of my life. But if you ever be astray, and it seems like you can’t find something convincing enough, know that there is a way out there, just around you, and even inside of you, in what you already have and what you’ve already achieved.

Best, always
Aman

Begin Again

Hi.
It’s been many months since I posted anything. But I didn’t quit writing altogether. I took to writing journals or diaries or my goals or whatever else I could write about. I still feel that writing on a paper is more intuitive, and more personal. So, I’ll be writing my “To Do”in my journal only. I’ve discovered it’s a good habit. Be assured that you can never fulfill all those goals you write about. But don’t let it dismay you. Having a set goal is a very crucial precursor to focusing your attention on the task. It sets the proper motivation level. Also, writing goals every day can fill up your minds with seeds of hope. So, whenever you feel lost, decide on what can be accomplished today. First you need to do the things at hand, and then while doing so, you catch glimpses of what you can do in the future.

But there are some topics which you feel the need to be shared. Some views that just can’t rest inside of you. I was afraid of sharing my views as I was thinking too much about the outcome. I feel that words can have power when they are written or spoken without any fear, and when Truth is in their origins. So, I will be good with the illusion that whatever will happen to me, I’ll be true to myself no matter what. Because when you say/write what you feel, the worst thing that can happen will be in your best interest. And I mean it, your very best interest.

Best, always

Aman

Engineering: A first-class Heart-Breaker

Hi…

I’m hurt today. But nothing special in that, for I’ve been hurt by engineering several times, and mind you, big knocks straight on my beliefs. There have been innumerable instances when I’ve questioned myself whether I should drop Engineering or not. Cases of multiple murders are lodged against it in my heart, for it has killed the same heart’s spirit many times. But somehow, I’ve kept on, carrying on with it, treating it as a lesson-in-disguise for all these years, primarily because I don’t have any other career field on my fingertips which I’d surely enjoy.
Today was yet another blow, but it came after I was well focusing and planning to achieve something in the field. I have a plan. A simple plan. To teach Engineering, through youtube videos, but with the correct methods, and the correct relevant content. I think I can do this because I am myself a victim of such unjustness and negligence. Such a relevant and robust subject taught with so less enthusiasm! So, I plan to study real hard these days, before my exams, so that I can do well both in exams and prepare for the videos. Easier thought than put to action. I really enjoyed the subject I studied yesterday, (Wireless Communications), but Optical Communication’s last unit sucked big-time today. Reminded me of my last semesters🙂 I couldn’t relate to it. I felt like I had just copied from the book whole day and night, with my poor buttocks sitting at the same place for hours. Even playlists of 8tracks did less good. So what was so bad about Optical Communication Networks’s last unit, considering the fact that Optics is one of the most interesting emerging fields in medicinal and  IT sectors! What makes it sound so dull and so out-of-context?

PART-2 with solutions will be uploaded when they’ll be understood.

Best
Aman

Self-teaching, lacking motivation

Hello Again my anonymous People
How are you all doing? And more specifically, What are you all doing?
Me?
I’m writing at my study table, for I’m unable to maintain my interest in a topic. It’s definitely not that the book is boring or so., but I guess it’s more because I don’t want to .
I’m constantly feeling sleepy while learning this language. I’m learning CSS, by the way. But I’m supposed to work single-mindedly, with all my energy focused on the task.
And since I’m in constant guilt of not able to enjoy from what I do, I can’t really get up & go to bed again. (It’s just 9am! Three hours since waking up…)
I meditated as well today. Visualized myself learning the language passionately.
But in vain.
So, my habitual mind has a sincere question: Do all the people who self-teach themselves, face this lack of motivation? even in their own free-willingly-chosen task? If yes, then how do they overcome it?
For now, lets take a break from this!
Break to banta hai boss🙂

Death, is just another lesson!

Death?
What comes the first into your mind when you think about Death? Pain? Loss? (A Big,Big Loss….) or rather just something as natural as a thunderstorm and as inevitable as hair-fall?

Let’s start today’s discourse with a maxim. So once upon a time, not very long ago, there lived a woman who had unfortunately, just lost her son. Aware of Buddha’s enlightened being, she approached him in order to see if He can perform some miracle? To her very surprise, Buddha said Yes! He said He’d give life to the boy if the mother could search the whole town for a single home, which has not seen death. In renewed hope, she toured the whole town one by one, but remained unaccomplished. It was during this whole digging that she found out that Death is inevitable.

Even imagining someone we love dearly, lying motionless and covered in-front of us, with his/her free spirit captured in a wooden box, makes us so silent and reflective.

So, we do agree now that Death, of any other human inventions or natural happenings, must come. It has come to our ancestors, to all the species around us. It will come to me. It will come to my friends. And it’ll come to you.
There’s no hack to it.

But here’s why Death does not trend on our minds. Here’s why we don’t think too much about Death. Here’s why we feel reflective and not progressive when thinking about Death. Here’s why we love. And here’s why we even have a heartbeat: It’s solely because there are some fascinating things out there in the world, and some even more important feelings inside of us, which are far more fulfilling and dominating, than all our thoughts weighed together. They define us. They make our short stay longer. To quote from my recent favorite book, ‘The Fault in Our Stars’, “Some infinites are better than other infinites”. We may have a limited number of days to live, but what makes us truly happy is the sense of infinity in between some of these numbers.
Isn’t it so?
Let’s take a practical test. Think of a distant, but a great memory, which you cherish.
Think.
Really think.
Now take a chill and ask yourself if the greatest moments in your life aren’t those in which you felt bigger than you are?
Doesn’t it amaze you that how could you remember such a tiny fragment of memory all these years? How did it stay for so long?
Yeah! That’s an infinite, one of the many we are talking about.

Does it depress me to think about death?
Yes, of course. Who wouldn’t want a loved one back? Not just depress, it literally pains sometimes. An intense pain conforming the irreplaceable part you’ve lost in your journey. A pain signalling me to continue the journey without the loved one. To move on..
And as I reflect upon this pain, I sooner or later, realize that only the moments where we are completely at peace with our little beings, or the moments which make us feel ‘infinite’, are what matter. So why not accept the changes and make the best of the ‘Present’? Isn’t that more practical?
That’s what i feel Death tries to say.
So let’s be cool ‘living’ beings, for only the living can be dead.

Cheers
Aman

Why such incompleteness ?

Hi
I have been finding an answer for quite some time now..
So here’s the question for you if you think of helping, and blessing this boy’s life out of confusion.

“I know why I can’t persevere enough to finish a goal, and to do something concrete in my life. It’s simply because I don’t find the urge to do it, that was there earlier, when I decided to make a Goal in the first place. I’ve read and re-read that everyone finds (or gotta find) things they love. And I’ve also been told repeatedly that ‘Failure’ and ‘Exploring’ will get me out of the bubble. So I set a goal, thinking of giving another big shot. For example, I started learning a programming language, C,completed 5 chapters,but now I feel it’s not my purpose. It doesn’t give me an adrenaline rush! Similarly for other goals. Things don’t change much. Why do I return to this incompleteness? This sense of missing out of something that I’d be willing to die to do… “